I still remember not being able to fall asleep on November 7th 2020. I usually crash and sleep almost the instant I decide to call it a day. But that day, I closed my eyes and was tossing and turning and I just could not sleep. It was almost 1 am the next day when I just about started to doze off when I got a call. A call that late into the night from a family member is always dreaded. I now knew why !
I was told that my Amma was not well and we needed to go to see her immediately. 5 minutes after we started, we heard the news that she was no more. The ride took 40 minutes and still felt like a terrible nightmare. Once I reached where she was, we decided to wait for a couple of more hours before informing our family and friends. At 4am, I started making the calls. Reiterating to each one that Amma was no more. It was the toughest to state it out loud like that when no one ever saw it coming. Just 12 hours back we were making plans of what sweets each of us would make for Deepavali. She was proudly showing off her nicely ironed kurta that she wore in the evening. She was at her healthiest weight; she was at her happiest and she was at the peak of her enthusiasm towards life.
Never had I imagined going through loss this close so soon. Amma was dear to me. I loved cooking for her and pampering her with something special whenever I visited her or she came to visit me. Grief is weird. It comes unannounced and when you least expect it. Over the 13 days of rituals, I was fully focussed on what was to be done next and nothing else. It was only after I returned to my home that it actually hit me. I sat in front of my in-laws broken down and in absolute grief. They consoled me and let me process the pain. Over the next few days, every day was a reminder about her. It still is. She is such an integral part of me and my life that I cannot go a single day without thinking of a reference to her. Every day at 7 am I would call her up during my commute to office and catch her up on my life. These days, I go for a walk with Appa. I am glad I get to spend so much time with him these days. I wish I could have spent time like this with Amma too. I wish I could take her on trips, just the two of us. I wish I could take her to nice places and drive her around the city in my car. I wish I could share my small and big wins with the same excitement. I wish I could show her my idli grinder, she would have asked for one too. I wish she was around for one more hug, one more chat, one more meal, one more movie date, one more day, one more month, one more year, one more lifetime. I wish ! Then I come back to reality knowing she will not physically come back ever. She will only live in my memories and I cherish them and remind myself of many memories, the fear of forgetting her voice, her touch, her love. But then we are all just fleeting beings in this world and everything some day will be forgotten as new memories are formed in the world, even we will be forgotten. But Amma, you live in me, in everything I do. So whether my memories betray me or my mind creates a different image, you will still continue to be around and you will always be remembered. It has been 5 years, yet feels like just yesterday we were talking over the phone. This is me starting to write for others and ending up writing for you Amma. There is so much I want to tell you. Your friends, chithi and many more have so much to share with you. We are holding on to each other and missing this very critical piece of this machinery called life. And me writing this will never really end. I write to you every day in my head and will continue to miss you daily.
Here's what I wrote about her in Dec 2020 - this is all I could manage then - https://www.blogger.com/blog/post/edit/preview/216584507585915986/6031567707016769788
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